Current mood:	weird
Entry tags:	christmas is fun (not), not a fic, ooh lookit the liddle sparkles, rantfest, wow i'm posting about my life

um whut
WHO gets SICK in the middle of SUMMER I ASK YOU. No, I don't know either. Except, apparently, I do. Maybe. I feel weird. I think I'm just allergic to hypocritical consumerism and fake love. Haha, my whole family is so Bah Humbug about Christmas but we do the whole presents-and-be-fake-nice-to-your-family thing because the rest of my family is all super into it. I mean, my family is awesome, but my one aunt is über Christian and the other is all New Age Wiccan and such and that's just on my mom's side. You know. And I don't like my gran, because she's judgemental and is overnice in the way that people only are when they're being fake. Luckily we won't be seeing my dad's side this year, because they are okay, I suppose, if very boring and totally distant. I hardly know them at all.

On the bright side: PRESENTS. I can't wait for the HSM3 soundtrack, because I am such an illicit HSM fan, really. Chad and Ryan are my baby boys, what can I say? Also, getting an iTrip and the Iron Man movie and sparkly eyeliner and who knows what else. I'm excited. Kind of. Except I'm also feeling sick and kind of - I don't know. Nervous? Guilty? Not about anything specific, just generally - I just feel wrong. Like this isn't who or what or where I'm supposed to be. Like I've broken some kind of unspoken rule.

But I am going to have such an awesome year in 2009, because I'm a matric and I refuse to let my last year of high school suck. So there. I am so over the teenage angst and loneliness and stuff. You know. Over it! So I am going to be happy and I'm going to stop smothering the few real friends I have and meet new people and make new friends and be all confident and intelligent and stuff. I have decided. Because why go through life being bored and boring? No point.

I LOVE MY GUITAR. I just wish I could actually play it. I am taking it to the Dam over New Years and hopefully I will find someone to teach me how to play. I was getting all excited because I wanted my friend to come this year but we are going for, like, two weeks and my mom said no wai. Because, admittedly, we do get kind of noisy and hyper and FANGIRL SQUEEish around each other. Mostly me. *innocent grin* I get easily excited, what can i say. Anyway, I shall have to once again find randoms who will put up with me or I'll just sit alone and read and listen to music and whatever. The stuff I usually do when I feel lonely and neglected. (Damn, I'm such high maintenance, I'm surprised people don't get annoyed with me more often. I just hate being alone, I get all disconnected.) ANYWAY, my mom says that maybe this one guy that is pretty cute and funny and stuff (his name is Michael, for anyone interested) will be there, which could be awesome. I suppose. If he feels like talking to me. He's cool and I need more male friends - not, as, like, romantic interests, but just as friends. I actually don't have any, which is pretty sad, because guys are awesome and give the best hugs and smell nice. :D

Wow, I've lost track of what I'm talking about again.

I feel weird still, but I'm going to have to get used to it. This happened last year too, I do recall. I think. Maybe it was the year before, my memories never stay in any kind of order, chronological or otherwise.

I was reading over some of my old stuff and HOLY CRAP it is bad. But everyone always just smiles and tells me 'Yeah, it's great!' </fake smile>. I wish people would actually tell me what they actually thought.

Which goes for everything, actually. I'm so over people being annoyed at me and I don't even know what I've done wrong and I'm supposed to read their minds or something. Like my sister, this morning. I came over and kind of hug-tackled her, which I always do, and she yells at me and storms into her room and slams the door. Whut the hell. Turns out, she was totally upset at me for something I'd done last night that I hadn't even known bothered her. I wish I could say that was limited to ten-year-olds. My friends at school do it too, sometimes. Less often, but more explosive, because they keep it bottled up for longer. How am I supposed to know what you're thinking and feeling if you don't tell me? I'm not psychic. Arg. And I know I do that too, sometimes, and I don't tell people what's wrong. But my word is it annoying. I'm going to tell people the instant they bother me from now on or I'm going to get over myself. I'm not going to let it fester and blame the poor oblivious perpetrator. And I'm not going to feel bad when people do it to me: please, for goodness sake, if something about me bothers you, tell me. I'd rather know that it annoys you than have you mad at me for months over silly things.

Wow, this is turning into a major rantfest. :o Why anyone would want to read this whining is beyond me. But it's nice to type it out, and, you know, take from it what you will.

I should do this more often, I think. Ranting feels good.

Although I still have that sick, wrong feeling and I don't know why.